Submissive Meaning: Choosing to Follow in BDSM

A submissive, or sub, is the person who gives up control to a partner in a BDSM relationship or scene. A sub enjoys following instructions, obeying rules, being told what to do and pleasing a dominant partner. In everyday speech "submissive" can mean meek or passive; in BDSM it is a choice: the sub decides to hand over control, and can take it back.

Not sure if this is you? Take the free BDSM test →

An open, empty bowl: giving the lead is an offer made freely, and it can be withdrawn.

What being a submissive looks like

Submission can be a small part of a night or a big part of a relationship. Common examples:

• In the bedroom: being told what to do, what to wear, when to move and when to wait.
• Rules: using a title like "Sir" or "Miss", checking in, or asking permission for certain things.
• Restraint: being held down, tied up, or told to stay still.
• Service: doing things to please your partner, from small tasks to rituals.
• Rewards and punishments: praise for doing well, a playful consequence for breaking a rule.
• Longer-term dynamics: some couples keep a dom/sub dynamic going day to day.

Many subs describe a deep sense of relief and calm when they let go of decisions. Some experience subspace, a floaty, focused state during intense scenes; see sub space meaning.

Signs you might be a submissive

• Being told what to do in bed excites you.
• You relax when a trusted partner takes charge.
• You love praise, and pleasing your partner feels good.
• Rules, titles or a playful punishment sound appealing.
• You like the idea of being held down or tied up.

If you also enjoy receiving pain, read masochist meaning. If you like teasing and pushing back when you are told what to do, you may be a brat. If you like both leading and following, you may be a switch; see dom, sub and switch.

Types of submissives

• Brat: a sub who teases and breaks playful rules to get a reaction. See brat and brat tamer.
• Service sub: gets satisfaction from serving and doing tasks for a partner. See service top and bottom.
• Little: enjoys being looked after by a caregiver partner (between adults). See little space.
• Pet: enjoys pet play with an owner. See pet play.
• Slave: a longer-term, structured dynamic with a Master or Mistress.
• Rope bunny: loves being tied up. See rope bunny.
• Primal prey: loves being chased and caught. See primal play.

Left untied by choice: the trust is the point, and it stays adjustable.

How subs and doms pair

The natural match for a submissive is a dominant: one enjoys following, the other enjoys leading. It works when both want the same kind of control. A sub who wants gentle, playful direction and a dom who wants strict protocol need to talk about that first.

How to start

1. Talk first. Agree what you want your partner to be in charge of, what is off limits, and how it ends.
2. Start small. Following a few instructions for one evening is a good first step.
3. Use a safeword. "Red" for stop and "yellow" for slow down. As a sub, you can use it any time. See the safeword guide.
4. Ask for what you need afterwards. A cuddle, water, reassurance or space: that is aftercare.

Myths

"Subs are weak." Choosing to hand over control takes trust and confidence. Many subs are in charge everywhere else in life.

"A sub has to do whatever they are told." Only what they agreed to, and they can stop at any time.

"Submissive means masochist." No. Following and enjoying pain are different things.

Sources

• National Coalition for Sexual Freedom, Consent Counts.
• Wismeijer & van Assen, “Psychological characteristics of BDSM practitioners” (2013).